.the end of the beginning.

So what does one do once their dreams are all used up?
                                     Write about them.... :)
New York City was my dream place to live. Now that I've lived there I have an even deeper love for the place and my eyes light up every time I see something that has even the smallest thing to do with it.  Like take for instance the fact that I had to point out to my parents the lovely buggy I saw a little old lady pushing in IA City that everyone seems to have in NYC, or the book I saw on NYC today at American Eagle that I almost bought just because it had to do with NYC, or the fact that I was SUPER stoked about a Falafel House is in the Coralridge mall. Yes, all these things made my smile hugely! I know I have only been home a little over a week, but something that dear to my heart doesn't leave me to quickly. BUT at the same time I know that I was supposed to come home again. It came in a way that I wasn't really expecting with the death of my Grandpa, but yet it all worked out very well. There were a lot of things I was planning on doing the last 2 weeks I was there that didn't get done but at the same time it was obviously meant to be. But now I feel like I am in a transition stage once again. Maybe if I stayed in one place for more than 6 months I wouldn't have to do this so much. :) But where's the fun in that?
Anyway, I just want to thank all of you who have been keeping up with this blog (the few posts that I've done!)  and for praying for me while I've been in NYC. It means more to me than you will ever know! I'm going to leave you with a few verses that are some of my favorites and ones that I need to be reminding myself of right now. :)
"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Jeremiah 29:11 & 13
-that's all folks!

thoughts for today.

Recently I was listening to a sermon by Todd Nighswonger (click here for a link to his church's podcasts http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cornerstone-simi-audio-podcast/id74283811 ) that really made me think about an issue in my life. He was talking about how people want to get caught up in the

                                       "ADVENTURE"
              
of Christian living, rather than living in what God actually wants them to do. Now I'm not trying to say that life with God is adventurous cause it is, but I know, especially for me, that it is so easy to get caught up in the exciting missionary "I'm gonna save the world" mode. My whole life I've wanted to make a difference and be somebody, so as soon as I graduated high school I went out in search of the illusive perfect mission or lifestyle. Only to come to realize that the real me came along with wherever I went. No matter where I've gone it has felt like somehow something hasn't lived up to my wonderful expectations. And that something was me. I'm not perfect and I definitely do not have everything figured out and the more I am on my own I realize that the Holly I thought I was really isn't the Holly living at 53-01 97th Street. For so long I've pursued the "adventure" and not the Person I was on the adventure for. But I want that to change! So I have 3 months left up here in the city and to be perfectly honest somedays I just want to go home. I'm not the brave, bubbly, outgoing person I'd like you to think I am. But I want to use these next 3 months to do one thing and one thing only. Bring glory to Jesus' name. Even if life up here isn't perfect (which it isn't, trust me) and even though I'm definitely not perfect, God can still use me. So everyone please listen up. Just because you don't think you are on some great "adventure" for God doesn't mean that you aren't where you are supposed to be. And don't think for a moment that those on the so called adventure are any more holy or righteous than you are! Cause trust me, they aren't. And with that folks I want to encourage you to go out and live life. Live life like you would if you were on the mission field. Don't hold anything back.

alone.

What do you picture when you see that word? Do you think of a hermit in the mountains of Virginia? Or perhaps you think of an 86 yr old widower at a nursing home. Most likely the last thing you would think of is a 20 yr old girl, who usually has no problem talking to people, in the midst of a hustling and bustling city like NYC. But here I am surrounded by people and what do I feel?

Alone.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not writing this because I want you all to feel sorry for me. In fact I know some wonderful people up here! It's just I miss "my" friends. I feel dumb for even admitting that fact. Other people give up WAY more than I have and are completely happy with were they are in life, grateful even. So in order to try and get myself out of this funk of wishing I was somewhere else I'm going to list all the things I have gotten to experience because I've been in NYC instead of out making money somewhere.
-the smile of the children I teach Sunday school
-countless subway rides
-walking by people and smiling at them as I go to the grocery store
-trying different ethnic foods
-praying with my fellow workers in Christ
-reading the Bible and laughing hysterically at a verse
-calling home and talking to my parents about what I've been doing, and knowing that they are proud of me
-cooking for an amazing group of people during LTO
-Pier 17 at midnight
-realizing that I have something to offer the people around me
This is definitely not an exhaustive list but its already helped to improve my mood! :) Anyway to anyone out there that understands what I'm going through, how have you coped? Have you found anything that helps make the loneliness go away? If you have found anything that helps I would love to hear about it!

As I look into the new year, and yes I realize that its already the 8th, I see a slate that is perfectly clear of mistakes and obligations. Ok so maybe not entirely free of obligations but I think you all know what I'm talking about. It also causes me to reflect on this past year and all of the amazing trips I have been privileged to go on. I read a letter I had written back in December of '09 and in it I had proclaimed that some day I AM going to live in NYC! And no more than 9 months after that I was here! When I wrote that I had no clue that I actually ever would! It was just one of those dreams that we like to tell people but never actually do anything about. God truly is amazing and I stand in awe of how He works things out for me/us. So then I ask myself that if I truly believe that He is in control of everything and I've actually seen Him at work, why is it then that I have such a hard time resting in that? Right now I'm looking at what I'm going to be doing after May and I catch myself worrying about making the wrong choice or even just being overwhelmed by the multitude of choices that are out there. Something that Louie Giglio spoke on at Passion was that its not about WHERE you are at but whose name you are proclaiming. I know this to be a very true statement, but in my human nature I'd still like to pick the best place to  proclaim His name. Even here in the city I'd like to actually KNOW where to invest my time. It seems like I'm doing a lot of personal growing, which don't get me wrong is amazing, but I'd like to invest in the lives around me as well. I guess I'm being brutally honest with you guys and letting you all know that even though I know a lot of the "right" answers, it's a lot harder to live them out than some people make it out to be. Now don't get me wrong I am loving life and I AM excited about what God has up His sleeve for me, its just I forget to rest in Him. So maybe if you think about me breathe a little prayer that I wouldn't get all caught up in my future and forget to live today.