This post was inspired by a recent post by the wonderful Shelley Smucker. In her post she talks about in life there are some things to just be "o.k." with. This is something I've always struggles with being the perfectionist I am. If I know there is something I'm not super good at or with I won't do it. Take softball for instance. I refuse to play the game. I'm absolutely terrible at it and feel awful for whichever team gets stuck with me. That being said its "o.k." for me not to play. I don't NEED to be good at it or even for me to like it. It doesn't make me any less of a person. 
But life is about more than softball isn't it?
I recently went through some of my old journals, cards and such and realized that I am not the person I always imagined myself to be. I had all of these lofty plans and ideas that were always just supposed to turn out just like I had imagined. But guess what? You got it, they didn't. The most disappointing was my time in NYC. A few months ago I was talking about my experiences there and my disappointment in myself during that time to a missionary friend of mine and she spoke some very wise words to me. She said, "Holly, allow yourself to grieve your time and experiences there. Yes, you may have gone into it with rose-colored glasses on, but you went and did what God told you to do. People make mistakes but that doesn't have to define you." I don't think she ever knew how much that meant to me. For so long I was ashamed of what I didn't do when I was in NYC. I was not that super amazing missionary that talks to everyone they meet about Jesus. I wasn't even a very good tutor or Sunday school teacher. But here is what I am trying to say,
it's o.k.
It's ok to be less than perfect. And sometimes its even ok to not measure up to expectations, even your own. 
But it's not o.k. not to try.
After I got home from NYC I was on shut down mode. I figured that if I wasn't good at something I had always dreamed of being then I probably wasn't going to be good at anything else I tried either. So I went back to working at Chick fil A, something I was comfortable with, and I excelled. I was one of their best employees (I'm not trying to brag but at the time it was the truth) and most importantly I was safe. Fast forward a little bit and you have me in college and using that as an excuse not to connect with people. Of course it was a pretty valid reason because I did have piles of homework but it was an easy excuse. I hid out in my room and closed people off because I thought if no one saw what a complete failure I was then my secret was safe. 
That was NOT o.k.
I regret it. I do. 
Then we have this summer. I had the honor of going to Los Angeles to help out with an Evening Bible Camp. It changed my life. It was the first time since NYC that I truly felt like I contributed to any sort of ministry. It felt amazing. I came alive. Suddenly, I wasn't hiding from my past experiences. I was focusing on the eternal instead of the here and now. God did an amazing work at EBC and in my life. There was one morning where we as a group were singing and praying and I realized that I was the happiest I had been in a long time. In worshiping and praising God I had found my purpose once again. I had a vision for life and a goal. But now I'm back home. Routine sets in and I'm busy once again and I lose sight of my purpose. It is a daily struggle. But that is o.k. 
It is o.k. to struggle because that means we are alive. 
If we aren't ever experiencing struggle than we probably aren't standing up for anything either. This all being said I have a few things to add to Shelley's list of things to be o.k. with. 

 It's o.k. to be terrible at softball. (come sit with me in the bleachers) :)

It's o.k. to admit defeat.

It's o.k. to struggle.

It's o.k. to hide in your room. (for a little while anyways)

It's o.k. to grieve the loss of a dream.